'A Problem Shared Is A Problem Doubled!'

Hello Readers,

I really do plan on writing once at week but time mostly gets away from me, you know? This week it wasn't about not having enough time, but more of a lack of internet access.

So what has happened since my last post? Well, not much but I'm sure I can find something to complain about... as always.

Last week was pretty hard on me for some reason.

I have a feeling that it's beacuse of everything felt like it was pilling up on me and it put me in a foul mood all week. And when I say foul, I mean foul! Every day I woke up, I was so angry. At what, I couldn't put my finger on it but on Friday I broke.

I couldn't keep it in anymore -for all those dirty minded people out there, that's what he said- and I nearly cried whilst I was sitting in the den at my boyfriends house.

It all began when we were laying with each other and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said that I didn't want anything which made him laugh slightly and trying to get me to tell him what I wanted. I understand that, I really do. But I just don't like my birthday for many reasons, mainly because it is always a terrible reminder of horrid memories.

Will could sense that I was unhappy and he asked what was bothering me.

I tried to tell him. I really did. His voice was so soft and he had so much love in his eyes lke always. I just couldn't tell him though. I opened my mouth to tell him at least something but the words refused to escape my lips.

I just held him tighter, trying to stop the tears from filling up my eyes.

He kept saying that no matter what was making me so upset that it won't ever stop his feelings for me, that he would still love me. Will told me that he would always be here for me, help me get through it.

Yet, I still couldn't tell him.

Even when he said that; 'a problem shared is a problem halved' I couldn't. I had to scrunch my eyes tightly together to stop myself from crying into his shoulder. You see, I don't like splashing out and spill all of my secretes, all of my fears to anyone. Even to the people who I love and care for the most because a problem shared isn't a problem halved; it's doubled. Big time. Especially my problems.

Okay, I'm probably just blowing things out of whack but I do that.

Another reason why I don't feel comfortable with telling people personal things.

I felt bad that I ruined Wills and mines time together but I found it sweet how much he cares. He is always so amazing to me and I shouldn't of been surprised by his words, but when he kept reassuring me I felt overwelmed.

The next day, after work, I went around my best friends house.

We started talking about Rachel and saying how much we miss her every since she left England in October and I just started crying.

Properly crying.

Man, I hate crying in front of people. Even though Adam is my best friend, I still find it hard to open up to him -yet again for the dirty minded, that's what she said.

We talked through how much we it's different now Rachel is gone and how it feels strange that she has moved on so soon.

I told him about how I have been feeling like the pressure has been growing and growing inside of me to tell people, anyone, about all of the problems that have been messing around in my head for years.

I told him how hard I am finding it to open up to people and how I feel like everyone I love, everyone that I have cared about, is leaving me.

My brother was the closet person to me for the early months of my life and then he passed away. I can't even remember him. Okay, granted, I was only 4 days old when he died but I still miss him every day.

My Father soon left. My Mother broke up with him because the death of my brother muddled her up and now he lives far away. I admit, it could be worse. He could be somewhere that means even once a fortnight would be a surprise to see him.

Rachel left in 2011. My old best friend. The person who was the first ever who made me feel like I belonged, who I could open up to and not worry about anything else. But she left. Just like everything else.

See all this. If you are still reading this what are you feeling right now? Pity? Bordem? Slightly depressed? Those feelings that you are feeling is one of those reasons why a problem shared is NOT a problem halved.

Well I am tired.

I need sleep now so I hope this week I don't break down away.

Catch you later, Looking For Life's Loopholes!

New Year But Same Old Annoyances.

Hello Readers,

May I start this entry by wishing everyone an extremely amazing 2012 and I hope you all had a great christmas!

So, what have I been up to?

I'm tempted to say nothing much, like most do when this question is asked but as I like you all so much, I won't.

As I find that I talk more about topics that annoy me, I suppose that I shall start with that.

Firstly, I'm going to start the annoyance of people no texting back.

Do I really need to ask if that has ever happened to you Readers? I'm sure it would be a waste of my typing skills *awkward cough* ... but anywho, it really really gets on my nerves when people don't text back. Probably because I'm an impatient person but still, I'm certain that even the most patient of us finds it annoying at times.

From the topic of people not texting/calling/messaging/whatever-ing back, to the topic of hypocites. Yes, I know, these topics are very alike but hey deal with it.

Don't you just love hypocrites?

They liven up life, make things more interesting. After all, where would we be if there wasn't any hypocrites?

Of course, I am being sarcastic. If there wasn't any hypocrites the we would all be so much more relaxed. People wouldn't get angry about others saying that they hate certain people who do certain things then they go ahead and do those things, and become those people.

Hypocrites are easy to notice around High School. Especially if you start to observe people intentionally.

When couples start splitting off with teenagers, people start to talk.

People make up things.

People judge.

People lie.

And people spread.

For instance, I know this girl who called me names behind my back after -and during- I was in my first relationship.

You can image the things she said, the things she called me.

I expected all of this. People making up stories about me and my boyfriend at the time. But I never expected these stories, these backstabbings, to of come from someone who I thought was a friend. Now, of course, I have learnt from my mistake. Well, mistakes.

I have learnt that I should keep my personal, private, life to myself -and so far, with my new boyfriend, I have. This lesson that I have have learnt is keeping me and Will (the boyfriend) very very happy.

And recently I have learnt that not only was the girl who is a backstabber, she is also a hypocrite. She has done the same things that I did with my last boyfriend in the same time period and she thinks it's so amazing that she's done it.

Makes me laugh really.

When I do something, everyone turns their noses up at me and judges me but when someone like that girl does then she gets told that it's one of the romantic things to be done at our age. Plus or minus some.

Anyways, there is some proof of hypocrites.

I have also learnt that everyone is a hypocrite, in their own way. And that's never going to change.

Like at the moment I'm a hypocrite, saying how it really annoys me when people are hypocrites but I am one too. Well, at least I admit to it.

Another annoyance I have is to do with me personally.

I'm in my last year of my GCSEs' -Year 11.- and one of my classes is getting to me due to my lack of self-confidence and my self doubt.

This class is my Performing Arts BTEC.

You should know that I love to act, and when I perform I feel so fre, so lifted, it's wounderful to escape from myself and become someone else for a while.

This course is spread out between three units. And my cast have already completed the first two unites; Unite One, Performing a Pantomime and Unite Two, Performing Scripted Plays.

Unite Three is the one that I'm on at the moment and it's a Musical Showcase.

I can be strange when it comes to my self-confidence. At pressent, I have become very good at hiding my 'stage fright' in all different ways somehow. But I know that I can get away with singing in front of people when I'm in a group or/and when I am in character.

My self-confidence fails me when it comes to me singing properly in front of a crowd.

I can't do it.

I don't know why but I just get stage fright.

You could get me to do near enough anything on stage when I'm in character but make me perform as myself singing to an audience then that's it. I'm out. I can't do it. And it's annoying me to my core! I want to be confident! I want to get a high grade and I want to be able to sing in front of people like there is nothing wrong! But I can't.

I can't force myself to do it.

Granted, I have recently been singing more and actrually enjoying it, I still am doubting myself.

So Readers, if any of you know any ways in which I can overcome my self doubt and my lack of self-esteem I would be most gratefull for being informed on how.

I know, I know, I'm asking too much. First I'm asking you to read through all my dribble, and now I'm asking you to help me out but I do need the help. Not in a madman way but in a panicked teenage girl way.

Also, if any of you Readers want me to comment on any subjects then just drop me a line and I will give it a whirl, putting my strange moaning view on things.

As always, I am going to love you and leave you. So Readers, drop me a line -or two- about what you find annoying. I find it interesting and will probably comment on your annoyancies in my next post.

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.