'A Problem Shared Is A Problem Doubled!'

Hello Readers,

I really do plan on writing once at week but time mostly gets away from me, you know? This week it wasn't about not having enough time, but more of a lack of internet access.

So what has happened since my last post? Well, not much but I'm sure I can find something to complain about... as always.

Last week was pretty hard on me for some reason.

I have a feeling that it's beacuse of everything felt like it was pilling up on me and it put me in a foul mood all week. And when I say foul, I mean foul! Every day I woke up, I was so angry. At what, I couldn't put my finger on it but on Friday I broke.

I couldn't keep it in anymore -for all those dirty minded people out there, that's what he said- and I nearly cried whilst I was sitting in the den at my boyfriends house.

It all began when we were laying with each other and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said that I didn't want anything which made him laugh slightly and trying to get me to tell him what I wanted. I understand that, I really do. But I just don't like my birthday for many reasons, mainly because it is always a terrible reminder of horrid memories.

Will could sense that I was unhappy and he asked what was bothering me.

I tried to tell him. I really did. His voice was so soft and he had so much love in his eyes lke always. I just couldn't tell him though. I opened my mouth to tell him at least something but the words refused to escape my lips.

I just held him tighter, trying to stop the tears from filling up my eyes.

He kept saying that no matter what was making me so upset that it won't ever stop his feelings for me, that he would still love me. Will told me that he would always be here for me, help me get through it.

Yet, I still couldn't tell him.

Even when he said that; 'a problem shared is a problem halved' I couldn't. I had to scrunch my eyes tightly together to stop myself from crying into his shoulder. You see, I don't like splashing out and spill all of my secretes, all of my fears to anyone. Even to the people who I love and care for the most because a problem shared isn't a problem halved; it's doubled. Big time. Especially my problems.

Okay, I'm probably just blowing things out of whack but I do that.

Another reason why I don't feel comfortable with telling people personal things.

I felt bad that I ruined Wills and mines time together but I found it sweet how much he cares. He is always so amazing to me and I shouldn't of been surprised by his words, but when he kept reassuring me I felt overwelmed.

The next day, after work, I went around my best friends house.

We started talking about Rachel and saying how much we miss her every since she left England in October and I just started crying.

Properly crying.

Man, I hate crying in front of people. Even though Adam is my best friend, I still find it hard to open up to him -yet again for the dirty minded, that's what she said.

We talked through how much we it's different now Rachel is gone and how it feels strange that she has moved on so soon.

I told him about how I have been feeling like the pressure has been growing and growing inside of me to tell people, anyone, about all of the problems that have been messing around in my head for years.

I told him how hard I am finding it to open up to people and how I feel like everyone I love, everyone that I have cared about, is leaving me.

My brother was the closet person to me for the early months of my life and then he passed away. I can't even remember him. Okay, granted, I was only 4 days old when he died but I still miss him every day.

My Father soon left. My Mother broke up with him because the death of my brother muddled her up and now he lives far away. I admit, it could be worse. He could be somewhere that means even once a fortnight would be a surprise to see him.

Rachel left in 2011. My old best friend. The person who was the first ever who made me feel like I belonged, who I could open up to and not worry about anything else. But she left. Just like everything else.

See all this. If you are still reading this what are you feeling right now? Pity? Bordem? Slightly depressed? Those feelings that you are feeling is one of those reasons why a problem shared is NOT a problem halved.

Well I am tired.

I need sleep now so I hope this week I don't break down away.

Catch you later, Looking For Life's Loopholes!