'A Problem Shared Is A Problem Doubled!'

Hello Readers,

I really do plan on writing once at week but time mostly gets away from me, you know? This week it wasn't about not having enough time, but more of a lack of internet access.

So what has happened since my last post? Well, not much but I'm sure I can find something to complain about... as always.

Last week was pretty hard on me for some reason.

I have a feeling that it's beacuse of everything felt like it was pilling up on me and it put me in a foul mood all week. And when I say foul, I mean foul! Every day I woke up, I was so angry. At what, I couldn't put my finger on it but on Friday I broke.

I couldn't keep it in anymore -for all those dirty minded people out there, that's what he said- and I nearly cried whilst I was sitting in the den at my boyfriends house.

It all began when we were laying with each other and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said that I didn't want anything which made him laugh slightly and trying to get me to tell him what I wanted. I understand that, I really do. But I just don't like my birthday for many reasons, mainly because it is always a terrible reminder of horrid memories.

Will could sense that I was unhappy and he asked what was bothering me.

I tried to tell him. I really did. His voice was so soft and he had so much love in his eyes lke always. I just couldn't tell him though. I opened my mouth to tell him at least something but the words refused to escape my lips.

I just held him tighter, trying to stop the tears from filling up my eyes.

He kept saying that no matter what was making me so upset that it won't ever stop his feelings for me, that he would still love me. Will told me that he would always be here for me, help me get through it.

Yet, I still couldn't tell him.

Even when he said that; 'a problem shared is a problem halved' I couldn't. I had to scrunch my eyes tightly together to stop myself from crying into his shoulder. You see, I don't like splashing out and spill all of my secretes, all of my fears to anyone. Even to the people who I love and care for the most because a problem shared isn't a problem halved; it's doubled. Big time. Especially my problems.

Okay, I'm probably just blowing things out of whack but I do that.

Another reason why I don't feel comfortable with telling people personal things.

I felt bad that I ruined Wills and mines time together but I found it sweet how much he cares. He is always so amazing to me and I shouldn't of been surprised by his words, but when he kept reassuring me I felt overwelmed.

The next day, after work, I went around my best friends house.

We started talking about Rachel and saying how much we miss her every since she left England in October and I just started crying.

Properly crying.

Man, I hate crying in front of people. Even though Adam is my best friend, I still find it hard to open up to him -yet again for the dirty minded, that's what she said.

We talked through how much we it's different now Rachel is gone and how it feels strange that she has moved on so soon.

I told him about how I have been feeling like the pressure has been growing and growing inside of me to tell people, anyone, about all of the problems that have been messing around in my head for years.

I told him how hard I am finding it to open up to people and how I feel like everyone I love, everyone that I have cared about, is leaving me.

My brother was the closet person to me for the early months of my life and then he passed away. I can't even remember him. Okay, granted, I was only 4 days old when he died but I still miss him every day.

My Father soon left. My Mother broke up with him because the death of my brother muddled her up and now he lives far away. I admit, it could be worse. He could be somewhere that means even once a fortnight would be a surprise to see him.

Rachel left in 2011. My old best friend. The person who was the first ever who made me feel like I belonged, who I could open up to and not worry about anything else. But she left. Just like everything else.

See all this. If you are still reading this what are you feeling right now? Pity? Bordem? Slightly depressed? Those feelings that you are feeling is one of those reasons why a problem shared is NOT a problem halved.

Well I am tired.

I need sleep now so I hope this week I don't break down away.

Catch you later, Looking For Life's Loopholes!

New Year But Same Old Annoyances.

Hello Readers,

May I start this entry by wishing everyone an extremely amazing 2012 and I hope you all had a great christmas!

So, what have I been up to?

I'm tempted to say nothing much, like most do when this question is asked but as I like you all so much, I won't.

As I find that I talk more about topics that annoy me, I suppose that I shall start with that.

Firstly, I'm going to start the annoyance of people no texting back.

Do I really need to ask if that has ever happened to you Readers? I'm sure it would be a waste of my typing skills *awkward cough* ... but anywho, it really really gets on my nerves when people don't text back. Probably because I'm an impatient person but still, I'm certain that even the most patient of us finds it annoying at times.

From the topic of people not texting/calling/messaging/whatever-ing back, to the topic of hypocites. Yes, I know, these topics are very alike but hey deal with it.

Don't you just love hypocrites?

They liven up life, make things more interesting. After all, where would we be if there wasn't any hypocrites?

Of course, I am being sarcastic. If there wasn't any hypocrites the we would all be so much more relaxed. People wouldn't get angry about others saying that they hate certain people who do certain things then they go ahead and do those things, and become those people.

Hypocrites are easy to notice around High School. Especially if you start to observe people intentionally.

When couples start splitting off with teenagers, people start to talk.

People make up things.

People judge.

People lie.

And people spread.

For instance, I know this girl who called me names behind my back after -and during- I was in my first relationship.

You can image the things she said, the things she called me.

I expected all of this. People making up stories about me and my boyfriend at the time. But I never expected these stories, these backstabbings, to of come from someone who I thought was a friend. Now, of course, I have learnt from my mistake. Well, mistakes.

I have learnt that I should keep my personal, private, life to myself -and so far, with my new boyfriend, I have. This lesson that I have have learnt is keeping me and Will (the boyfriend) very very happy.

And recently I have learnt that not only was the girl who is a backstabber, she is also a hypocrite. She has done the same things that I did with my last boyfriend in the same time period and she thinks it's so amazing that she's done it.

Makes me laugh really.

When I do something, everyone turns their noses up at me and judges me but when someone like that girl does then she gets told that it's one of the romantic things to be done at our age. Plus or minus some.

Anyways, there is some proof of hypocrites.

I have also learnt that everyone is a hypocrite, in their own way. And that's never going to change.

Like at the moment I'm a hypocrite, saying how it really annoys me when people are hypocrites but I am one too. Well, at least I admit to it.

Another annoyance I have is to do with me personally.

I'm in my last year of my GCSEs' -Year 11.- and one of my classes is getting to me due to my lack of self-confidence and my self doubt.

This class is my Performing Arts BTEC.

You should know that I love to act, and when I perform I feel so fre, so lifted, it's wounderful to escape from myself and become someone else for a while.

This course is spread out between three units. And my cast have already completed the first two unites; Unite One, Performing a Pantomime and Unite Two, Performing Scripted Plays.

Unite Three is the one that I'm on at the moment and it's a Musical Showcase.

I can be strange when it comes to my self-confidence. At pressent, I have become very good at hiding my 'stage fright' in all different ways somehow. But I know that I can get away with singing in front of people when I'm in a group or/and when I am in character.

My self-confidence fails me when it comes to me singing properly in front of a crowd.

I can't do it.

I don't know why but I just get stage fright.

You could get me to do near enough anything on stage when I'm in character but make me perform as myself singing to an audience then that's it. I'm out. I can't do it. And it's annoying me to my core! I want to be confident! I want to get a high grade and I want to be able to sing in front of people like there is nothing wrong! But I can't.

I can't force myself to do it.

Granted, I have recently been singing more and actrually enjoying it, I still am doubting myself.

So Readers, if any of you know any ways in which I can overcome my self doubt and my lack of self-esteem I would be most gratefull for being informed on how.

I know, I know, I'm asking too much. First I'm asking you to read through all my dribble, and now I'm asking you to help me out but I do need the help. Not in a madman way but in a panicked teenage girl way.

Also, if any of you Readers want me to comment on any subjects then just drop me a line and I will give it a whirl, putting my strange moaning view on things.

As always, I am going to love you and leave you. So Readers, drop me a line -or two- about what you find annoying. I find it interesting and will probably comment on your annoyancies in my next post.

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.

What To Say?

Hello Readers,

Once again, I apologise for not post as much as intended -once a week- but I have been busy.

I have just finished my mock GCSEs and let me tell you, I need to get my butt in gear when it comes to revision!My History Modern World paper went extremely well and I'm positive that I'm going to get a high grade. But my Maths wasn't as good as I hoped along with my Geography exams.

As my year have 'worked so hard revising for our mocks', so we were allowed two days extra off to our Christmas holidays which I am very happy about of course!

Today I went to one of my friends house and we watched 'X-Men First Class' which is soooooooo A-freaking-MAZING! I loved every moment of it! The script was just perfect! The cast; brilliant! And the plot, so so so so so so so so great!

If you haven't guessed, I love the supernatural, I may not know much on the subject, but to learn more about it in different ways is just brilliant!

Anyway, after we watched the film, we walked up to our school to meet up with people who had to go in to do their Additional Maths exam or some course work that they have yet not completed.

From what I've heard about the Add Maths exam, it was extremely hard and by that logic -okay, it's not logic, just something that I think should be true- the grade boundaries must be quiet low.

I went around my boyfriends house and have spent most of my day with him.

I just love being with him!

It feels so right and so peaceful to be in his strong arms and whenever I look into his beautiful eyes, I just want to open my soul up to him, letting him know about me and my past!

Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who can open up easily to those I love as I don't want to cause them sorrow in anyway by knowing about my past and my fears.

I'm scared of quiet a few things, one of the things that I'm most scared about is probably being alone. I lost my brother 15 years ago, and I don't know, I may get my fears because of I have lost him or maybe they are just fears that I would of had if he were here today and I'm just making excuses...

I really don't know.

What I don't understand is what it is that is stopping me from telling my boyfriend. I know that he'll be supportive and loving in everyway, there's no doubt in that, it's just something is stopping me from spilling.

Today was the perfect time to tell him as we were alone for most of the day but I couldn't do it! As far as I've gotten is telling him that I hate my birthday but I can't explain.

I just don't know what to say!

I don't want to tell him everything all at once because I don't want to overwelm him with all my sorrows and I also know that if I start talking about my fears then I know I won't be able to stop and when I think about it, I become upset. And as I think that when I'm upset, I start crying. I believe that when I cry, it is a sign of weakness and I don't want to seem weak. In fact, I hate seeming weak in any and every situation.

I don't know why I'm like this, but I am.

I just don't know what to say.

Bet everyone has been in a simular situation and I want to know how to overcome this and preferably before the new year as I want to start a fresh.

I would normally talk to my best friend about this kind of stuff but I can't as she has moved out of the country and is hardly on the internet so I can't have a proper conversation with her about everything that has been happening.

But again, I'm sure that I wouldn't know what to say, and even if I did I don't know if I can could bring myself to say it. She's so far away and is probably dealing with her own issues out in a new country and she doesn't need me to add stress to the matter by talking about my feelings ect.

Well everyone, this is sounding like a grumpy and down-hearted post and I'm sorry.

So everyone, I'm going to end this entry by saying this; I hope you all have a merry christmas and an awesome 2012!

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.

Goodbye.

Hello Readers,

A lot has happened since my last blog, and I mean a lot!

To start things off, I'm still going out with my amazing boyfriend and it going brilliantly! Love my life right now, and with a boyfriend like mine, I really can't complain!

Now here's the sad part that's happened since my last blog and it has to do with my best friend.
Today, at 11am, she got on a plane to Mozambique where she now lives.

It's hard, eventhough I knew about her leave for about two months I could never of believed that she would actually go.

I keep walking past her house and feel my eyes welling up thinking; 'She doesn't live there anymore. I'll never be able to run out of home when things get rough and crash around there until I'm calm. I'm never going to be able to knock on that door and see her face. Never going to be able to talk to her about everything that is going on face-to-face.'

It's stupid really because I am going to talk to her on Skype whenever I can and I will save up enough money to go out there and visit her! Probably going to take a while but I'm still going to do it!

I met up with her and a few other of my mates on Monday and we all went for a goodbye Costa, which was so much fun and really showed us all how much we were going to miss each other!

As we planned on going out the next day, I didn't give her the proper goodbye that I planned on. Just a awkward hug -awkward because I was eating a foot long subway.

We were all at Costa on Tuesday, waiting for her to walk through the doors but instead I got a call.

I must say that is one of the worst calls I've ever had in my life!

Rachel isn't big on showing her emotions, especially when she is sad and hurt, but when she told me that she wasn't allowed out her voice cracked. That was the most horrid sound I've ever heard and I couldn't help but let a few tears drop from my eyes.

I hated it! Hated people seeing me so distraught! Hated not being able to say goodbye to my best friend! And most of all, hated the fact that the last time I saw her, I didn't give her a massive warm hug because of my-stupid-self being too greedy and hungry to show her how much I'd miss her!

I really love that girl, and knowing that I'm not going to see her everyday is just horrid!

I really hate saying goodbye. I know a lot of people say that but it really makes me gagg thinking about it.

I should be off now, watching Children In Need!

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.

Poor Dog.

Hello Readers,

Yet again, I do apologies for not updating as regulary as I would wish but I have been busy.

As of Monday 10th October, I have been an active member of work experience at my local dog groomers! Yes, for little under two weks now, I would have finished with my work experience but I am a bit sad at the thought of leaving as the Ladies who own it are so lovely!

This afternoon, it was just Cheryl and I as Sheena was sick, which was problamatic as it got busy quickly. There was one dog, a small shit tzu, five years old but the size of a puppy came in and he bourght tears to my eyes!

He hadn't been groomed for four months and boy did it show! He was extremely matted and smelt terrible! Poor boy, my heart really did weep for him! It must of been so terrible having all those knots so close to his skin that has caused it to become sensitive.

It really did take me every willpower I have to not seriously injure the owner when she came back in, but that would of been bad business for the Triplets and I don't want that.

Seeing dogs like that makes me realise why I wanted to work in such a place.

I think that dog grooming isn't going to be my career, but I will take a course in it and maybe even put my knowledge from the course to some good use and help out at a dog groomers.

Even though it's hard to see dogs in such terrible conditions, I do love it! Some are truely loved, and are full of life which really brings a smile to my face and a warm feeling to my heart.

I have also stolen my boyfriends cookie monster jumper -when I say stolen I mean that he gave it to me about a week ago and I'm not really giving it up- which I have been wearing to and from work. Man, do I love that jumper! It's so comfy and it really reminds me of being in his arms, which is just amazing especially as I'm not going to be seeing him much over these two weeks as his work experience is in London and he gets back late.

I'm missing my boyfriend like mad right now! I think it's because I used to see him every day, even if it was for a couple minutes, and now I haven't seen him in days.

I probably sound like the normal mopping girl that others just want to smack some sence into -admit it, you do- but trust me I'm not like those girls! Okay, I may slightly be but I'm not all doom and gloom because I haven't been with my boyfriend because of work.

I'm only slightly doomin'&gloomin' -my new phrase that I trying out, probably won't catch on- from longing for him so much! We still talk to each other, every day, and it's still making me miss him but maybe not as much as what I would be like if we haven't been in contact.

I should be seeing him Friday, but if that fails we shall meet up after my shift at the insurance company in which I get paid for working. Yes, it is my first and only proper job.

As it's getting late now, I should be off. Need to be up and ready for a busy day of playing with some more dogs tomorrow! Oh, life could be so hard.

Hopefully no dogs will be in such a state in which it brings me to tears of sorrow and anger again.

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.

Pressure!

Hello Readers,

In less than a week, my cast and I will be performing our second unit in our GCSE Performing Arts class, and we are nowhere near ready!

We thought Unit 1 was rushed for time but this is just madness! I have only just learnt my lines for the second play: 'Matchgirls' and I keep mudderling up my lines in the frist play: 'Metamorphosis'!

I can feel the pressure building up and, by the arguments breaking out in rehearsals, I think everyone else is too.

It's never a good thing when you're pushed for time but when you have to perform two plays in under a week, four times, and people still need their scripts... man, we are in trouble!

I've been going a little mad about it all and have been told countless times that; 'It'll all turn out well in the end, don't worry, you'll be amazing!' Yes, I like the compliment -I mean, who doesn't?- but it doesn't make me feel better, just adds on the pressure!

In Unit 1, the Pantomime, I was the second narrator (Jonathan Harker) in Trinians Transalvanian Trip -basically it's St. Trinians meets Dracular- and, as I thought it was going to be a complete and utter failure, I told my friends and family not to come. In the end, it turned out much better than any of the cast, and the Director, expected and everyone wants to come to see this Unit.

As they didn't come to the first one, they kind of have to come to this one -so they believe anyway.

I just really hope everyone gets their butts in gear and puts their blood, sweat and tears -me included!- into making this Unit the best every and making it truely memorable for the audience. In a good way.

I was planning on moaning more about other GCSE exams but it's nearly 11pm and I'm feeling totally out of it.

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.

Time's Running Out.

Hello Readers,

It has now been two weeks since we've moved into our new house and I still hae the same view of it; it's okay but still doesn't feel like home. I don't think any house will feel like home, not for a while anyway.

I've decided that I'm going to get my friends to chip in for a leaving present for my best mate. I'm thinking of getting her a big silver locket, she did mention that she's always wanted one and I think it'll be a great thing to get her before she leaves England next month.

As of Friday, I've been going out with a guy who is just brilliant! And as he attends to my school, I've spent most of my lunch with him today which really was great but I don't want people to feel like I'm leaving my friends out.

We haven't been going out for long, but I do really like him. I just need to make sure I equal out my time with him and my friends.

If I let them all know what I want, what I'm thinking, I'm sure they'll understand.

Tomorrow, it'll be a week until my cast and I will be performing our plays, 'Matchgirls' and 'Metamorphosis', and we haven't perfected it at all! Our director isn't happy at all and I can see why but in our defence, he hasn't let us have enough time going over both plays and our time is quickly running out!

Well, off to memorise my lines.

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.