What To Say?

Hello Readers,

Once again, I apologise for not post as much as intended -once a week- but I have been busy.

I have just finished my mock GCSEs and let me tell you, I need to get my butt in gear when it comes to revision!My History Modern World paper went extremely well and I'm positive that I'm going to get a high grade. But my Maths wasn't as good as I hoped along with my Geography exams.

As my year have 'worked so hard revising for our mocks', so we were allowed two days extra off to our Christmas holidays which I am very happy about of course!

Today I went to one of my friends house and we watched 'X-Men First Class' which is soooooooo A-freaking-MAZING! I loved every moment of it! The script was just perfect! The cast; brilliant! And the plot, so so so so so so so so great!

If you haven't guessed, I love the supernatural, I may not know much on the subject, but to learn more about it in different ways is just brilliant!

Anyway, after we watched the film, we walked up to our school to meet up with people who had to go in to do their Additional Maths exam or some course work that they have yet not completed.

From what I've heard about the Add Maths exam, it was extremely hard and by that logic -okay, it's not logic, just something that I think should be true- the grade boundaries must be quiet low.

I went around my boyfriends house and have spent most of my day with him.

I just love being with him!

It feels so right and so peaceful to be in his strong arms and whenever I look into his beautiful eyes, I just want to open my soul up to him, letting him know about me and my past!

Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who can open up easily to those I love as I don't want to cause them sorrow in anyway by knowing about my past and my fears.

I'm scared of quiet a few things, one of the things that I'm most scared about is probably being alone. I lost my brother 15 years ago, and I don't know, I may get my fears because of I have lost him or maybe they are just fears that I would of had if he were here today and I'm just making excuses...

I really don't know.

What I don't understand is what it is that is stopping me from telling my boyfriend. I know that he'll be supportive and loving in everyway, there's no doubt in that, it's just something is stopping me from spilling.

Today was the perfect time to tell him as we were alone for most of the day but I couldn't do it! As far as I've gotten is telling him that I hate my birthday but I can't explain.

I just don't know what to say!

I don't want to tell him everything all at once because I don't want to overwelm him with all my sorrows and I also know that if I start talking about my fears then I know I won't be able to stop and when I think about it, I become upset. And as I think that when I'm upset, I start crying. I believe that when I cry, it is a sign of weakness and I don't want to seem weak. In fact, I hate seeming weak in any and every situation.

I don't know why I'm like this, but I am.

I just don't know what to say.

Bet everyone has been in a simular situation and I want to know how to overcome this and preferably before the new year as I want to start a fresh.

I would normally talk to my best friend about this kind of stuff but I can't as she has moved out of the country and is hardly on the internet so I can't have a proper conversation with her about everything that has been happening.

But again, I'm sure that I wouldn't know what to say, and even if I did I don't know if I can could bring myself to say it. She's so far away and is probably dealing with her own issues out in a new country and she doesn't need me to add stress to the matter by talking about my feelings ect.

Well everyone, this is sounding like a grumpy and down-hearted post and I'm sorry.

So everyone, I'm going to end this entry by saying this; I hope you all have a merry christmas and an awesome 2012!

Catch you later, looking for life's loopholes.